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Microsoft & Sony
Dear Tech Support
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(NB. We cannot validate the truth of what appears below ...)
If Microsoft made cars...
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 35% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
- via Sharon W.!
Sony has announced its own computer operating system.
However, instead of producing the cryptic error messages
characteristic of Microsoft's Windows and DOS systems, Sony's
chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground
by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been -- until
now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony.
For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful
Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
The haiku messages are just as informative as Microsoft's and they make you pause just long enough that you're able to fight the
impulse to put a fist through the screen.
The chairman went on to give examples of the error messages:
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
You seek a Web site.
It cannot be located.
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Stop, reflect, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on
You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss.
The presence of absence.
"June Sales.doc" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao
Until you bring fresh toner.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Windows NT crashed.
The Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream
But the water has moved on.
Page not found.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.
- via Sharon W.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1, and installed new, undesirable programs such as SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Can you help please?
Signed Desperate.
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem which is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package, while Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM, designed by its Creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot uninstall, delete or purge Husband 1.0 and reinstall Boyfriend 5.0, as hidden operating files within your system would simply cause Boyfriend 5.0 to crash. May I suggest that you read the section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs) within the help screen. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0,secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system, but unknown to most users. To activate this feature enter the command: "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run before entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature, overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create "FatBelly" files and "Snoring Loudly" wave files which are very hard to delete. A word of caution - DO NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. or Soapies 2.5. These are not supported applications, and will cause selective shutdown of Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory, causes errors, and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1.
Regards Tech Support.
- from Tina & Lucy Ballard
