Jokes for adults
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Page 4 of 7
Men
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Jokes page 6
Jokes page 7
Kids' jokes
Quotations from women about women . . .
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin-
A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky
My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton- I think---therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem-
I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home and they serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. -Marie Corelli-
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-
-from Marian Lennon
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted.." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
Women will never be equal to men until: They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator. -from "friends of Jasmine"
